After Taking the Life of Her Own Child, She Wanted to Die But Found Hope Instead

National   |   Lauren Enriquez   |   May 23, 2014   |   12:48PM   |   Washington, DC

Shortly into her college experience, Becky became pregnant. She had been a faithful child to her parents, and was ashamed by the thought of them finding out she had become sexually active.

“I started school in August and by January I was pregnant. And I remember thinking there’s not anyone I can tell,” she said in a video filmed by Focus on the Family.

With no one to confide in, Becky placed all of her trust in her boyfriend’s self-centered decision making. He had already decided that parenthood was not for him, and as far as he was concerned the discussion ended there, without a thought to the life of the mother or his child:

beckyHe said “my sister has had an abortion, and we’re just going to call the place that she went.” And he was very set in his mind, I’m not doing this. We’re not going to be parents.

When I understood that he was not going to be willing to bend, I just kind of went along with that mindset and just shut down. I remember just being almost numb, like not being able to process anything emotionally because if I had I would have had to face it.

The abortion experience itself was traumatic for Becky, who recalls feeling as if every step she took towards the abortion mill would leave a lasting impression on the rest of her life:

I knew as soon as we were there that I was taking the life of my child. And yet I felt unable to do anything. Unable to say ‘stop.’ Unable to overcome my own fears of having someone find out that I’d made this decision. And so I’m following through with this process, and from the moment it began, the regret was there. The self-hatred, the knowledge that I’m choosing to take life from the single place that God has granted us for life to come forth.

Becky feels strongly that her decision to have sex before marriage sent her into the downward spiral that ultimately led to the ultimate low of abortion:

The idea of wanting to stay pure until marriage was in my heart, but it didn’t have a basis because I didn’t have that spiritual background that told me why would that be important. I knew that I had already compromised what I had said was going to be a lifetime belief for me. And once you make that compromise, you can’t take that back and say it didn’t happen.

She recalls being in a numb haze as they arrived at the abortion mill, dazed but at the same time painfully aware of the impact her boyfriend’s decision that she would abort was going to have on the rest of her life:

I remember walking into the clinic, and the first thing they ask for is payment. And it was the cost of $250. And I remember thinking, can there be a cost for the life of your child? And what can you buy for $250? You know, you think, there’s a lot more things that you have to make a bigger investment in to own, none as valuable as a human life. And yet you can say good bye to that human life for the cost of $250.

Becky ultimately became suicidal as a result of the abortion choice, but – as she would later learn – her self-loathing tendencies and suicidal ideations were not unusual side effects of abortion; they were the norm for many women. In a twist of fate, she turned on the radio:

I tuned into Christian radio and there I found this wonderful broadcast, Focus on the Family, that truly ministered to me in so many ways. It was like the voice of hope speaking to me. And in particular, hearing broadcasts of women sharing about their abortions, and being able to identify that I wasn’t alone. Even though we know that millions of abortions happen, we don’t really understand how those women feel, often, because it’s such a private issue.

Upon finding these other women with the shared abortion experience via the radio, Becky started to understand that healing from abortion was a process, and that she couldn’t do it alone:

I was understanding for the first time, it wasn’t just me, it was the abortion and the consequences that come with that.

The pain that I faced and the way that I faced it was also very common, and just knowing that someone was out there and had been in my shoes was a healing point for me.



The sincere desire that Becky now has for other women who are experiencing the same pain that she endured as a result of her abortion choice is for them to know that they are not alone, and help is available.

I want others to know that there’s healing, and I want others to not be afraid to talk about abortion… I know the pain that [women have] walked through.

Contact Rachel’s Vineyard to learn more about post-abortion healing and to connect with other women and fathers who have shared the same unique pain.