I was cleaning out my Gmail folders today and had a peek inside the one called “C-Word.” It’s a sub-folder in my “Hatey-Hatey-Hate” folder, where I keep the hate mail in which someone has called me a c-word.
And just now the episode of “30 Rock” came on where Liz Lemon gets called a c-word, and I figured it was a sign that I needed to write this post, and share with you all the sound, logical arguments anti-lifers hurl at people when they think no one is watching.
So here they are: my top five favorite insults people have sent me via hate mail. (All punctuation and spelling mistakes have been left intact, for accuracy and comedy.)
This is an old stand-by. They think it’s reeeeally gonna sting. “Oooh, not only do you think some people should be aborted, you think I’m one of them?! See how my tears fall gently upon my rosary.”
All this comment does is prove the person loves abortion for the same reason we claim and they deny: to rid the world of people they find unacceptable. It’s not really about liberating women. It’s not really a “difficult and tragic choice.” It’s the curtailment of the undesirable. It’s a way of avoiding people we’d rather not have in our lives.
4. “Hey guess what did you know the TRUTH is that many studies haveshown that the more UNATTRACTVE a woman is the more likely she will oppose abortion and reproductive rights for women and this is a fact.”
In other words: you’re against abortion because you’re ugly. I’ve been told I’m against abortion because I’m frigid, a secret virgin, and unwanted by all men. But ugly was new.
I almost feel sorry for abortion advocates sometimes. They have the law, but we have morality, ethics, science, and logic. It’s inevitable that they occasionally resort to “Oh yeah? Well you’re ugly.”
3. “I feel sorry for your husband. I feel sorry for anyone who has to live with you. You are living, breathing proof that Christianity turns intelligent women into intolerable ones.”
Bonus points, first of all, for literacy. But sorry to disappoint you, Gloria Steinem: I’m awesome to live with! Ask my husband. I sing songs from Grease while cooking in my underpants. I burn Bath & Bodyworks candles twenty-four hours a day. I watch “Friends” every single time it’s on. I vacuum occasionally. Who’s intolerable now, lady?
Unfortunately, it was not Christianity that brainwashed me into being pro-life. It was all that ethical, scientific, and logical stuff I mentioned above. Maybe one day it will enter your life and make you intolerable, too.
2. “Your blogs are the wrost I have ever read on the internet and that is saying a lot. How can you be so judgemental? Just because everyone’s life is not as perfect your’s, apparently. You are a bad writer and I hope your are not getting paid for this because someone is getting ripped off.”
The writer of this insult went on to mention specific points from several of my posts with which he took issue. I don’t know about you, but if I were to stumble across the “wrost” blog I had ever read on the Internet (as opposed to all those non-Internet blogs we happen across regularly), I’d probably – I dunno – stop reading it?
If I were that bad of a writer, how did I engage you so thoroughly that you kept reading my blog posts despite hating them with all your heart? Check and mate, home slice.
1. “You [expletive] make me laugh so [expletive] hard, [expletive]. You [expletive]. You [expletive] [expletive]. Everything that comes out of your [expletive] mouth is [expletive]. You [expletive] a [expletive] [expletive], you stupid [expletive] [expletive].
You know what? You got me.
Seriously, I got nothing. Your argument absolutely shook me to my core and made me reevaluate everything I’ve ever thought or written. I think it was around the third f-word, or maybe the second c-word, that I started to realize how profoundly wrong I’ve been about the sanctity of life.
CLICK LIKE IF YOU’RE PRO-LIFE!
Thank you for opening my eyes.
Believe it or not, this last insult had a happy ending: my hate mail reply form letter amused this writer so thoroughly that she ended up apologizing, and we had a civil and somewhat enriching back-and-forth about life, the universe, and everything.
The moral of this story is either something really heart-warming about human beings connecting despite their differences, or to save all your hate mail because there’s probably a lot of hilarious stuff in it.